January 28, 2017

I remember back in high school I reached a point where I believed that in order for me to feel emotions I had to be miserable. It was a period in my life where I was on a slow sinking ship. Except, I wasn’t sinking into a vast ocean of water, inhabited by things that represented life and other things. I was sinking into an abyss of death and darkness. As much as I attempted to convince myself that I was better off not feeling, that same ideology led me to the misconception that the more miserable I made myself, the less numb I was. So, that just HAD to mean I was still alive and capable, right? It was an odd way of reviving the suppressed hope that I kept webbed up inside for so long. For me, the strategy in that was that even though I was incapable of making myself feel happy, that somehow if I felt anything that I could live another day. Numbness to the world equates to no longer caring. No longer caring about life or death. No longer caring about the past, the present, or the future. Not complete disregard toward others but a controlled state a mind wherein you no longer anticipate how others will react to how you act, feel, do, say. It’s similar to a bruise. The first time you poke a bruise it might hurt, however, if you continued incessantly, it no longer affects you. The bruise may get bigger, it may even change from blue to purple, purple to blue. In a sense, though, you’ve become immune to the feeling.

It took me a long time to overcome the numbness. Thankfully, the power of will, writing, and the strength to revive hope grew strong within me. I no longer see life as a my own personal never-ending bruise. Instead, I see it as a distinct array of vivid colors, opportunities, and love. I allow myself to feel emotions whether they are good or bad. Bad emotions help us open our eyes to certain situations that no longer serve us, therefore, serve a lessons. Good emotions allow us to appreciate what we have while we have them. That’s why, now, I feel every feeling in its entirety; anger, fear, love, happiness etc without regret.

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