Excerpts: A Modern Toxic Romance

30 days of melancholy

April 6, 2016

Him: I was calling.

Me: I know. You also blocked me. For no good reason that I can conjure.

April 6, 2016
Him: So stop messing with my feelings too. I was too tired to go shopping but did it for you cause I promised. And you couldn’t come over. So I was like why am I wasting my time.

April 10, 2016
Me: I want my life back. I want my individuality back. I feel like I’m forced to do things for you because that’s what you’re used to. But that’s not okay. And it’s most definitely not healthy.
Him: Just because you feel like I’m trying to keep track, doesn’t mean I am. That’s just your own insecurities. I simply asked because I was curious.

April 10, 2016
Him: You want me to be honest.
Me: What?
Him: You were weak before we started talking. You were submissive before me.

April 11, 2016
Me: I’m tired. Of you treating me like I’m the one that’s constantly messing up. And making you feel bad. When you’re the one always hurting me.
Him: If you say so. I’m done caring.

April 11, 2016
Me: I don’t put in effort? When I went to see you at work? When I went to see you last week to go to your house.
Him: Okay seriously. Take a step back. We’re not together. So stop stressing me out like we’re together. I’m sorry I made you get attached again but let go.

April 16, 2016
Him: You can blame me all you want for your problems but I’m not the cause. Get rid of the stress and live carefree.

April 16, 2016
Him: We’re not together so that shouldn’t bother you.
Me: Doing all this shit all the time. Acting self righteous like if that’s more important than what we have together. You break me everyday. Everyday you find a way. To be right. To feel superior.
Him: I’m tired too. Of the hypocrisy. You need time to think about your feelings. We’re not together so I’m not hurting you by saying I’m attracted to other girls. You can’t blame me because you haven’t moved on. Maybe I need to let you go so you could move on. Find happiness.

(Date Unknown)
Him: If being wrong is making you feel inferior then that’s your own problem you gotta deal with. I’ve been wrong multiple times when you were right and I say, Oh yeah you’re right my bad and that’s it. I don’t feel inferior because of it.

April 29, 2016
Him: Come with me. It’s gonna be a lonely ride.
Me: Yeah well me being there to fill your loneliness is becoming a habit.
Him: It’s to enjoy each other’s company.
Me: You know it’s not.
Him: It really is.

April 29, 2016
Him: That’s not proof of wanting to sleep around or looking for girls. That’s boredom. And I haven’t talked to anyone in a while cause it’s time consuming. But believe whatever you want. It doesn’t matter either way. You actually feel like you beat me or something. That doesn’t prove shit.
Me: Exactly. So do what you want it’s okay. Just don’t make me do what you want. I don’t feel like I beat you in anything.
Him: If you say so.
Me: I’ve never played games with you. I’m straight forward. I don’t need to beat you because I don’t compete. Always made that clear.

April 29, 2016
Him: Can you come over tomorrow? I’m gonna call out.
Me: I have to take this idea out of my head that we’re together. Not seeing each other is the way to do it.
Him: That’s not gonna work.
Me: It is trust me. Why are you saying what’s gonna work for me? I know what works for me.
Him: It won’t work.

April 29, 2016
Me: I’m not angry.
Him: Ya you are.
Me: No I’m not.
Him: You have pent up anger.
Me: I really don’t….
Him: It’s gonna stress you out if you let it consume you…
Me: I’m not angry for the 4th time. I am gonna get angry if you keep insisting that I’m angry.

April 29, 2016
Him: Please. I wanna see you. I’m not 100% out of love but I’m not 100% in love either. Which is why it’s still good for us to talk.
Me: That’s just selfish.
Him: Not in a selfish way. But maybe we can work a way. Don’t scream selfish when we’re both getting something out of it.
Me: Work what? Getting what? I’m not getting anything. Except hurt. What am I getting?

April 29, 2016
Me: So since I am so emotionally involved, then seeing each other isn’t the best idea. Since I’m causing damage to your well-being with my constant outrage and jealousy and attachment. So let me detach. Go back on OKC find someone to screw around with from time to time. Someone you can toss to the side when you feel like it. That isn’t emotionally involved. I’m fine with it.
Him: But that’s not what I want. I want you.
Me: Half in love half out of love? That’s not love. You don’t know anything about it. When I stop loving you you’ll know. There isn’t a middle. That’s just selfishness.
Him: It’s not. Maybe you don’t know it. Love after the honeymoon stage becomes a choice. Ultimately love is a choice.
Me. So choose to unlove me then.
Him: I care for you and still hold feelings for you but couldn’t choose to stay because the relationship was draining . And it’s a lot better out of it now. Even though we still speak.
Me: So choose to unlove me.

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